It has had a big effect on my life, self-confidence and worth as a person. I often felt alone, depressed and very anxious. These negative emotions followed me through to adulthood.
I tried so hard to be like everyone else. I wanted to be popular and fit in so badly. I tried to do things and enjoy things others did just because they where popular and I thought people would like me more, without taking into consideration any of my own thoughts or feelings. All I knew was I was really unhappy and things weren't getting better, in fact things got so bad that I stopped eating and I turned to self-harm.
It seemed the more I tried to get people to like me the more they hated me.... I kept asking myself, what's wrong with me, what am I doing SO wrong for people to hate me SO much. I cried every day and became really depressed, with no one I felt I could turn to.
During college I got pregnant with my first baby. Me and the dad didn't stay together long.
I got a job working in a Chinese takeaway, and a man came in. we talked on occasion and I found out he was divorced with 4 children of his own...He seemed to be friendly enough, and he seemed to take an interest in me. Even though I was pregnant with another man's baby.
Being 17 and pregnant I felt lost, vulnerable and I didn't know what to do or where to go for help....
Although he was 20 years older than me, I ended up getting into a relationship with the man I had met in the Chinese takeaway. Thinking, he knew how to raise a child maybe I would learn to love him in time and we could be a real family.
A year or so into our relationship I was pregnant with my second baby and we got married. I wasn't really ready to have another baby, but I thought it would show him how much I wanted our family to work.
He was a beautiful baby and we called him Charlie.
A long story short, things didn't work out between us. He became very controlling and i was more unhappy then ever. We split up not long after Charlie's first birthday. It was a very messy break up and he did whatever he could to make life hard for me.
During the divorce I spent a lot of time on my own with my children and I realised just how happy I was by myself. I didn't need a man to look after me, I didn't need a lot of friends to be happy or a lot of money and material things in my life.
I found what I really needed was to be happy with who I am and to be comfortable with my own company. I could have my own hobbies and interests. Whether or not I shared those interests with anyone else didn't matter because they made me happy.
I also found the less I cared about what others thought about me and what I do the more people would take an interest in me whether I wanted their attention not.
Loving yourself, knowing your self-worth and having a positive attitude towards life are important aspects of having a happy life.
For a very long time I had felt extremely bitter at the people who had bullied me or I had felt wasted my time and let me down., thinking they had stolen a huge chunk of my life and childhood.
I felt so angry towards the world, and that also made me feel bad. UNTIL...
I HAD AN EPIPHANY!!
I had realised that I was also the one who perceived things and reacted in a negative way and I was the one who wasted so much time being angry thinking about it. Let me make myself clear, it is never okay to bully or hurt anyone ever!! But at the same time I am the only one in control of my own actions, thoughts and happiness. I will not turn myself into something I hate because of what someone else has done, I don't want to be bitter and angry at the world any more and I am the only one who can change my life for the better. I will never forget the bad experiences I have had in my life as they are still a lesson learned, but I will no longer let them effect me in a negative way.
I now have an amazing family and great friends around me... What more could I possibly need?
Life can't always be perfect. There will be days where you feel sad and alone or anxious about what the day will bring. But stay strong, keep your chin up and try your best to stay positive both physically and mentally and most of all appreciate what you have even if there just little things.
Obviously we all have our own lives and experiences. And we all think differently. But nonetheless i hope my thoughts and experiences helped you in some way.
Thank you for reading.
" my love is unconditional, your action is irrelevant".
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